Hi everyone, I’m super excited to introduce you to our newest regular contributor here that will take the spot of Shannon, who sadly is leaving us due to time constraints. Deana Ward is a blogger and life coach at Your Happy Stuff. I’ve been reading her site for awhile now and she has even guest posted here previously where she blogged about a scarf organizing solution for busy gals. I think you are going to love her especially after reading today’s post which I think is fantastic and on a topic that so many can relate to, myself included. Welcome aboard Deana, I’m thrilled you are joining us!
Hello fellow Org Junkie readers! I am excited to be here today because I have some down-to-earth solutions for the biggest organizing obstacle many of us face…
Our spouse!
I’ve been married almost twenty years to my sweet fella and we get along like peas and carrots. But I cannot attribute that to the fact that we are wired exactly the same, because we are not. He and I are absolute opposites!
I need, CRAVE organized calm. He’s indifferent to it.
I’m always prepping two steps ahead of the family. He’s wingin’ it at the last minute.
I rather like having the towels folded all the same. He folds one different from the next.
Back before I learned what I’m about to teach you today, we bickered at the littlest things or WORSE I’d stuff my irritation and let it gnaw at me. Can you relate? If so, keep reading. If not, you have my full permission to go empty the dishwasher or something. No weirdness, I promise.
My top three reasons your partner tunes you out, and what you can do about it:
1. Above all else, he needs to feel significant.
I’m not talking about an arrogant sense of significance. That’s not it at all. Significance to a man translates as “I am worthy of connection with you.” When a man feels significant to a woman, that feels like love to him. When we organize something and then give our spouse the rundown on “how things are gonna work from here on out”, we are not making him feel significant. He feels nagged. A better approach would be to include him in the brainstorming of something you plan to organize. Try this:
“Honey, I’m thinking about organizing the front closet because I know it would help us get in and out of the house more easily, but I wanted to bounce my ideas off you to see what you think.”
This approach works magically in getting your man marching to your beat. Know why? Because you are expressing that you care what he thinks (which makes him feel significant). The other amazing thing about that is you are appealing to the fact that…
2. Men LOVE to think about things!
I’m sure this is not a shock to you, but men are very logical. If a man doesn’t see a reason for something, he doesn’t bother with it. Did you see in the example script above, I asked for his input (filling his need for significance) PLUS I gave him a logical reason why it matters? I invited him to think about something he now sees a reason for. You’re welcome:)
3. The word “organize” scares him.
Now why would that beautiful word scare anyone? Well, perhaps when hear that word, you feel peaceful and calm. But maybe when he hears that word he feels controlled. Try swapping that word out with “simplify” or “calm” or “soothe” or “relax” and see how he responds.
“Sweetie, I’d love to simplify the garage this weekend. Of course I would never move your tools because I know how important they are to you. Do you have any ideas for how we might compromise and move some things around in the garage so it is easier to get in and out with kids and groceries?”
Bing, bing, bing! I asked for his ideas (made him feel significant), gave a reason (appealed to his sense of logic), AND informed him that I was not – in any way – interested in taking control of his stuff (so he doesn’t have to fear that I’ll move his hammer so he can’t find it)! Triple points on that one!
I know that taking the bull by the horns and just getting things done seems like the best way to make progress in your home, but if you want to increase your sense of ease and connection with your hubby, I encourage you to experiment with my tips and let me know how it goes in the comments below!
When I stopped enforcing compliance at my house and started encouraging ideas instead, my organizing efforts evolved from uncompleted “Honey-Do Lists” into fun “Honey, what do you think about this idea?” The results have been happier and sustainable!
Deana Ward of Your Happy Stuff loves helping overwhelmed women simplify and calm their lives. As a breakthrough life coach and creator of the 4-week rut buster, Happiness Hotwire, she helps her clients decide how they want to live and gives them simple steps and accountability to make it happen. Be sure to get your FREE gift and weekly tips from Deana over at Your Happy Stuff. You can also find her on Facebook and Pinterest.
Diane says
My husband would see through that in a minute.
Tina says
Mine, too…plus those are MY tools he’s moving around!!! He thinks about it alright…and thinks and thinks and thinks…and never resolves!
Deana Ward | Your Happy Stuff says
I admire you Tina! I wish I were skilled with tools:) Thanks for commenting…
Judy says
That’s hilarious!
Deana Ward | Your Happy Stuff says
Fair enough:) It’s certainly not prescriptive, just a perspective. Take care:)
Jessica says
Yes!!! This totally makes sense! He’s always reluctant, says it doesn’t make sense, seems frustrated, but once he gets used to it he’ll admit (with a little nudge) that Yes, it IS better!! I’m going to try some rewording “from here on out”, because this is a weekly occurrence in our house:) Thanks for the insight!
~Jessica
Deana Ward | Your Happy Stuff says
Cool:) Glad you found even some little bits of it interesting enough to try. That’s all it is really…just trying something new when we’ve exhausted existing methods that don’t seem to be working. I wish you the best!
Laura F says
My husband is great, but when it comes to organizing its super hard to get him to do it the way I would like it. He seems to want to keep everything and in places I don’t want them.
Deana Ward | Your Happy Stuff says
I totally understand. That’s why I always think it’s good to ask for input. You don’t like things his way – and he doesn’t seem to like them your way. I would start a conversation around where a compromise might be that is somewhere in the middle (that perhaps neither of you considered yet). Best of luck!
Jerroid Marks says
Wow I didn’t know you could control a man so well, but you have hit on some major points here and I believe you to be correct.
Deana Ward | Your Happy Stuff says
Hi Jerrold:) At face value it might seem like a control tactic…but really it’s just opening up conversation for better understanding between two people. I believe that at our core, we all just want to feel understood. When we don’t feel understood, our defenses go up. That’s when conversations shut down and we stay in our holding patterns of disconnect and frustration. When we ask for others’ ideas, we are really asking for their perspective so we can better understand them. I have seen over and over how when we shift our approach from a place of “confrontation” to “a conversation to gain understanding” new ideas and compromises emerge that seemed impossible prior. I appreciate your thoughtful comment. Take care:)
Karla says
Great points. I have 17 years of experience as a counselor and I could not say it better myself. I am really enjoying all of your posts. I love your approach and practiced and sincere it is effective. Communication is key. Keep up the good work Deana! You have inspired me and thanks to your videos and posts I have been inspired to make some changes that are working in my home 🙂
Deana Ward | Your Happy Stuff says
Thanks so much for your kind words Karla:) I am thrilled that you are making fun changes in your home and it’s adding to your joy! Wonderful! Enjoy your day:)
Diane says
I meant no offense, thank you for article!
Deana Ward | Your Happy Stuff says
Oh…certainly none taken Diane. I know this audience to be the kindest around:) The thought didn’t even enter my mind. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day;)
Chrissy says
Great ideas – Its so important to have your partner on board with how your home runs, otherwise it just makes things so much more hard work all round – and who wants that!
Tasi says
I needed this. lol. thank you.
Shauna says
BONUS–You get to spend time together! I love doing things with my husband. When we were first married, we did everything together. Six kids and a busy life later, we are always in different directions. This way it’s not him working on MY project, but working together! Yay!
Theo says
Great tips….but, what if you’ve asked for input and he either doesn’t respond or says, “Don’t touch my stuff!”….but his things are crowding other people’s things. I’ve tried so many approaches, and have given up trying to keep my home in order. With children and homeschooling, it is so important to teach them how to keep things neat and to be able to find things later. What else can I do with hubby’s lack of involvement?
Janet Barclay says
This is really good! One of the reasons I got away from home organizing was that I didn’t want to deal with situations like this. 🙂
Melody Mar says
This didn’t work for me. He just shrugged and said, “it doesn’t bother me,” and was baffled why it would bother me. I tried to get him to care about it because I care and that didn’t work, he just told me I would be less stressed if I cared about it less.